In Journal

Today’s been an odd day. I started today on a high note, my dearest friend called for a good ole natter. We shared some thoughts, opinions and generally enjoyed one another’s company. Then I returned to bed for a few more hours.. I would say I slept okish 🌚

Around 5:30pm I took a walk to my local pharmacy to pick up my antidepressants, dropped into the co-op for some snacks the headed home. I was fine for a few more hours then all things change.

From 7pm my emotions started swinging back and forth, highs and extreme lows… It’s weird cause they never usually swing so rampantly and so far in such a short time. First I checked to see did I take my hormones, which I did. I knew it’s wasn’t time for my antidepressants or anxiety pills yet cause it’s not yet 10pm.

But my emotions were all over the place. I couldn’t handle them but I tried my best to cope. My feelings jumped around in leaps and bounds in the space of minutes not hours. My body’s response was to tremble, temps fluctuated too! — I don’t understand what’s going on. Its definitely not normal for me.

I cried whilst watching ‘Legally Blonde‘, I cried during ‘The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo‘.. and I also cried when I started ‘Cocktail‘ which isn’t really that romantic.

By 9pm my eyes were pretty red and raw yet I still had a lump in my throat.. I didn’t understand what’s going on!! All I know is, I didn’t have any interests in anything. Reading my feeds on Facebook didn’t even motivated me to respond to anyone’s posts… I figured that I must be experiencing one of those serious off day. My minds in bits and my concept of time felt rather warped, the minutes felt a lot more like hours and this day?

A fucking nightmare!!! 😡😡😡

Around 10pm I took my meds as usual, my feelings really didn’t change.

I then continued to tweet my troubles on Twitter; hoping that someone will come to my aid. Or hoped to find others experiencing something similar… Seems I’m not alone. Why the fuck are we going through this shit? Makes no sense!

By midnight I was in tears again,  quietly cried on the desk with my head held between my hands, thinking WHY WHY WHY!?? Thinking I could have drown the city tonight and there’s not even a storm in sight.

So far, I’m really clueless as to what’s happening… I have no clue. And it’s started to annoy me. I just wanted everything to stop!!

Currently I’m still waiting for my psychiatrist appointment to appear,  I sure hope it’s sooner than later. The drugs I take are still not working.. At least I don’t feel them, except when about to pass out…

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