Despondency, guilt and escapism 

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This is the view from my 23rd floor apartment, here in Hong Kong. On sunny days I can see right across to Ma On Shan, the coastal region of Tolo Harbour/ShaTin Hoi. 

For a moment, I’m sitting in my apartment starring out of the window, jet-lagged and listening to Nina Simone with millions of thoughts racing through my subconsciousness. They’re all ridiculous. Then I thought about telling the world how I’m feeling.. And I remember I can still write, publish and share my thoughts to the world.. Perhaps I’m not the only one who’s feeling like me? Or am I?

For me, traveling every once in a while gives me some form of escapism but I’m know deep inside I can’t run from myself or my problems, they’ll just follow me where ever I go. It feels like I’m cursed or something. I often feel like there’s a dark cloud looming over me, shadowing me, following my every step. Like a lingering bad smell. It’s weird.

However new surroundings, new views allows me to refocus, concentrate on exploring the county I’m visiting instead of dwelling on my own troubles, something I seem to do when I’m allowed to spend too much time thinking. Like I said, it’s a curse!

Although I’m fairly open about life, my transition, my career aspirations etc. There are a few things I don’t tell anyone, except those I truly trust. And even then, I can’t really expect them to understand or know what I’m going through. I’m sure they have their own problems to deal without me burdening them… I would like to think that someone out there cares for me. I hope my friends care.

For many years I have been battling with depression and guilt. I’m not sure why but every once in a while, I can’t cope with life.  The feeling is simply too much! And I become overwhelmed! I lose interests in everything I do. Trouble is, it just creeps up on me, then Whamm! I become continuously emotional, dreading every moment of every day and everything within it. Everything stops.

In the worst case scenario I’ll have dark dark thoughts, where I’ll think about ending it all, though they’re just thoughts. Think over the years I have planned and re-planned out all the ways I could possibly go and I feel no-one would care or miss me… Or will they? This is when I know I need to escape, I need to runaway, even if it’s a week. It’s enough! I’ll fly to somewhere warm and sunny.

Some of my more knowledgeable friends seem to think it seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Low moods brought on by a change of seasons, lighting conditions, usually worst when autumn comes.. I have previously experimented with daylight bulbs but I can’t leave them in twenty-four-seven. Even then they feel like a temporary solution. Of course daylight would help but back home it’s usually overcast. Which doesn’t really help my situation now, does it? Others tell me to ‘snap out of it‘ but I have little to no control over what I’m feeling. I don’t know how to switch it off or hit reset. I don’t have full control of my brain. Trust me when I tell it to shut up! It just laughs in my face.. This is why I have pretty severe sleep issues, I’m often up for seventy plus hours before crashing due to exhaustion for three to four hours.

Sometimes, those feelings eat me up inside, bring me crashing down, plummeting to the ground and sometimes it take me to some very very dark place. I become ever so emotional, crying till my pillow is soaked, curling up in a fetal position in the corner of my room.

I recall a moment in my life where I’m dosing up on amitriptyline, an antidepressant that has been known to work for others. But for me, it takes my already dark thoughts and turns them into a hellish reality. It’s the one time in my life where I found myself hospitalized for a good few weeks in recovery, cause life almost came to an abrupt end. Lucky for me my parents stepped in.. Ever since then I have avoid this one drug. Prozac on the other hand suppresses my depression and thoughts but makes me ever so sleepy. I’ll sleep. No wait. I’ll enter hibernation, sleeping eighteen hour days waking up exhausted and fatigued, completely inoperable. Lifting a limb becomes a chore. Food is the last thing on my mind as my appetite is obliterated. In a six months period, I lost a third of my weight. — I have been off psychological drugs ever since. I’m scared of them.

Then there’s the guilt. I’m forever feeling guilty. I feel guilty when I say things, when I don’t. I often question everything I do or don’t do.. It’s really frustrating, how I’m question my own decisions to do something. I find it counter productive and it hampers my progress. Often I can’t erase what I’ve said… And that in itself makes me feel bad — However guilt can also be a good thing, it comes and saves the day! Depression and guilt is like my yin and yang. I know I’ll be OK.. I know, I’m not a danger to myself when I’m not drugged.

Now you know why I’m away for a while, I need to take a break from my life. Go explore something, take in some sunshine whilst being covered in 100spf. Keep my mind occupied, even a week does me wonders… I hope to be back to my normal bubbly self soon.

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I’m thankful there’s a mobile app allowing me to spill my mind at the time of need.

Lots of love,
MsNikitaxxx