In Health & Beauty, Journal

Prior to voice coaching..

I was advised to start exploring my gender – though technically I’ve been doing this all my life, yet I still feel so lost! It’s saddening. To help avert clinical depression or worst, a psychotic break! I don’t spend my days dwelling on alcoholic beverages with friends, then contemplate suicide afterwards. Instead I would make myself occupied, for one’s past-time I took up photography (inspired by my late father) I plan to nurture my skill to a level where I can become a professional, and secondly, gym. Training towards a non-event with an attempt to improving my overall fitness, health and possibly spirit all whilst struggling with acceptance from other gym members, most are fairly open-minded while some prefer me not to be there… Oh well, their problem.

I often feel my heart and mind don’t coincide with my body, what I see in the mirror isn’t what I see in my mind’s eye, they’re completely different! It’s almost like someone who’s suffering with anorexia, where their mind and self-image conflicts on a massive scale, they try to solve the problem by fasting; often urged on-wards by the mass media and so-called pro-anna websites, in the most severe cases it leads to death. However for me, I know that no amount of fasting will ever solve my issues, mines more to do with my gender; my physical being and possibly shape. What stares back at me isn’t how I feel.. When will this stop?? 

This is where I start exploring my gender, a practice, an opportunity to experiment and perhaps make fun of oneself – It’s OK, I laugh at myself all the time… All whilst I learn new skills and take the occasional selfie to share. Though as of yet, I haven’t gone full-time, unlike so many of my friends, instead, I’m dressing more gender neutral than ever, some might say it’s a form of procrastination and I would agree. This kinda gives me the opportunity to explore the my appearance and the looks I like, how to create them etc – As throughout my life I tend to prefer dark mystical looks, mysterious, sophisticated almost gothicism without the tacky kitschiness. 

Actually, In truth, I’m not entirely sure where to start… So I started by learning to walk in heels, which went kinda well but I’m not yet masterful. Now I’m experimenting with makeup, trying different looks and seeing what works for me, while i learn to do thing other women take for granted. Oh, I noticed i’m better doing the left side of my face than my right, even though I’m right handed. Is this normal? Next on the agenda is to re-tune my voice, so I’m getting professional voice training. But non of this is happening in my hometown, instead I’m pretty much doing everything at the GIC in London.

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