Hilary Jacobs Hendel recently tagged me in one of her tweets, pointing me to a post that might interests me. Where she wrote about depression and emotions: “It’s not always depression, sometimes it’s shame”
— Hilary Jacobs Hendel (@HilaryJHendel) December 1, 2015
Well… I read the post and this my response.
For those of you who stumbled up on this post.
I like to state for the record that I do not know Ms. Hilary Jacobs Hendel(Psychotherapist/Author). She is someone who recently decided to follow me on Twitter and made herself known to by tagging me in a post. A post she thought might be able to help me… And I appreciated it greatly. Thank you.
So here’s something about me…
I’ll try to make it brief. lol – My Childhood Nightmares
Insomina, Stress and Anexity:
For the last few months I’ve been publicly complaining about my inability to sleep and that my mood is somewhat gloomy, occasionally I’d make people known that I’m STRESSED!! If you search this site and check my twitter, there’s been numerous posts and tweets.
Now, in the past I normally survive on around 5-6 hours nightly — This is more than sufficient for me. I don’t take naps during the day or feel that I’m low in energy… If anything I’m always on the go!! However something changed this winter.
Every week, for the last few years I have been an active member in my local gym. For a while the guys in the changes didn’t accept me as one of them. Frequently someone would report my presence to the counter staff, complaining: “there’s a women in the men’s changes!” Even the cleaners would remind me that “this is the men’s changes“… I thought it’s quiet amusing as the full-time staff all know about my predicament and why I’m stuck in the male changes. The gym’s manager suggested “you should point anyone to the manager’s office, should any members have any problems with your presence.”
Eventually my gender status changed. I acquired all the necessary legal documents which allowed me to declare publicly that I’m legally female. Even though I’m still pre-op.
By now, most of the regular gym goers know about my transition as I’m pretty open about my status and what I’m going through. I thought it’s for the best people should know! Many of them help me to use the equipment, showing me what they think is the best technique to use, in-order to improve what I’m doing. To me, they seem pretty comfortable — A few are somewhat touchy but that’s OK. Human contact is welcomed.
I however, find it’s the female members are the most supportive. Nearly all of them welcome me into their changes. Often someone will congratulate me on choosing to be female and become a woman. Some will asks “How it’s going?” Others give me suggestions on what to do or buy when it comes to sportswear, what garments offer the best support/comfort etc.. They are really helpful!! In many respects, they’re all making my entry into the female world so much easier!
See, I’m pretty open when it comes to my gender transition.. and often complete strangers make me feel loved. Generally it’s the guys who think it’s weird, others as “are you gay?” I’m like “Nah.. Bro. I feel more feminine inside.”
On average I’d spend around three to four sessions in gym working-out for 2-3 hours at a time, including relaxation. I’d return home energies with adrenaline running though my system. Happy that I accomplished something that day.
My day-to-day life changed somewhat in the last six years. I’m not entirely sure how this came about but I’m no longer working full-time. The creative career I once lead and loved has come to an abrupt end. It’s been placed on indefinite “hold” like the rest of my life. And it feels like it’s becoming staler with every waking week. Often I feel empty, hollow, lost. Like I’m missing a huge part of something. I often envy my friends who’re working full-time. Not so much the money they’re making, but the mere fact they’re out doing something constructive and furthering their careers one day at a time.
Why did I take this break?
Well, my old man discovered his cancer had returned. It’s too late to operate. He prematurely quit the last session of chemotherapy. Couldn’t put up with the side-effects. And my mother doesn’t have a command in English whereby she could help him to and fro the hospital. Or sort out his meds. After four long years he finally past away peacefully. Though I wasn’t invited to his funeral. It’s complicated… I don’t want to go into it.
Before I had chance to return to work and embark on a completely different career. One where I can explore my sexuality and discover more about myself. I learnt my mother had chronic renal disease. Somehow I’m wrote into looking after her too.. Now a full-time paid carer. Have been for the last six years, it seems. Some say it’s a job but it’s not ‘the job of my dreams’, if you get me. But I’m earning money from home and I’m saving for the future.. I have plans, many pathways; though nothing is concrete.
I love all forms of creativity. I dabble with digital media, motion graphics, photography, webdesign, reading, electronic music composition, electronics, PC building and I like nutrition, to keep fit and listening to music. I’m a bit of an audiophile when it comes to listening to music. Occasionally I’d play games, sometimes by myself, other times on-line with random strangers — It’s fun! Recently been involved in beta-testing new titles.
However, recently all that changed.
And I have no clues as to why.
Seriously. I’ve lost interests in everything!!
I no-longer play games online, let alone by myself. The only thing I seem to do go for the occasional run late at night, or long long walks when I’m lacking in energy. Occasionally I’ll read a book or a few chapters, perhaps watch some TV with Mom, documentaries, movie or spend time chatting to my friends either via text, phone or video.
Every night since late July or early August I’d sleep no more than a handful of hours, waking up feeling totally exhausted, fatigued and ever-so sluggish, like I didn’t rest at all! My appetite is near zero. I’m persistently worrying about things, though it’s nothing in particular, just a whole bunch of randomness; stuff I have no control off! My mind is constantly on the go, definitely more noticeable whenever I lay down and all there is ambiance and darkness.
I’ve been backwards and forwards to my doctors and every-time I’ve come away with a different sedative, relaxant and antidepressant. All so I can get some sleep to recharge. For the most part, they only work for the first couple of weeks before I’m back to square one.
I tried using alcohol as a means to gain more sleep but that too has failed. At most I’m only getting the extra hour or two.. Seems futile for the money. Soo I stopped binge drinking. I’m back to social drinking. A few units here and there.
I’ve arrived at a point where I understand whys some people choose to take their own lives or commit suicide due to insomnia. But personally, I’m too strong willed to do this. I am determined to get through this.. I know it’s only temporary.
Right now. I don’t know what’s happening… The only thing I force myself to do is blog, even then it’s few and far between. I can write my thoughts, express my feelings and share some of my experiences but they’re limited for the most part.
What’s wrong with me?
I don’t think my problem is “shame”. I don’t feel that I have any shame, I’ve pretty opened up my entire life to everyone who wants to know about me… I’m quiet proud of my life and where I’ve been so far.. even though I haven’t achieved the goal I want yet. I’ve spent a lot of time travelling, lived in several countries, going wherever my interests and occasionally jobs takes me. I’ve met people from all walks of life and each of them has changed me a little, for the better.